Football Lookalike XI

Some people literally spend their entire lives staring thoughtfully at pictures of Phil Neville or Wayne Rooney, pondering which particular screen monster they should lump them alongside this time. It’s a great way of becoming a popular face in football circles - a finely judged facial observation about Michael Ballack can diffuse fights in pubs, start chit chat that eventually leads to sex with hairdressers, or simply make your mates laugh until they vomit Becks Vier all over the pavement. With that in mind, we thought we’d compile our own well-observed team of football lookalikes… sick bags ready, people.

Centre Midfield, Frank Lampard

Never anything less than well turned out, Lampsie totters around a football pitch like a poodle walking into an exclusive dogs-only drinks party.

Centre Forward, Carlos Tevez

Up front, Tevez just nudges out his team mate Wayne Rooney, thanks to his startling resemblance to the handsome young actor who plays Ugly Betty in the sitcom Ugly Betty.

Sergio Ramos Abandons Match, Attends Bullfight

According to Marca, suspended Sergio Ramos skipped out on the second half of Real Madrid’s 2-0 win over Real Valladolid on Sunday so he could attend a bullfight featuring matador Alejandro Talavante, who is a friend of Ramos’.

The suavely mulleted defender apparently did not break any Real Madrid team rules, though, because all squad players are only required to be in the stadium for kickoff.

One man who was in attendance for the entire match, however, was Mr. David Beckham, who made his first return to the Bernabeu since leaving the club for Los Angeles in 2007. His reasons for being there are unclear, but there have been rumors that Davey could return to Real should former president Florentino Perez regain power. So it either has something to do with that, or he was simply in town to bang a few broads not named Victoria and thought he’d stop by the match between hump appointments.

Revealed: the reason Beckham wants to stay in Milan

He enjoys Clarence Seedorf’s celebrations too much to leave