Once upon a time, goal celebrations weren’t all that watchable. Ask Frenchman Lucien Laurent, the first man ever to score a World Cup goal, at Uruguay 1930. “Everyone was pleased but we didn't all roll around on the ground,” he recalled. “A quick handshake and we got on the with game.”
By Bobby Charlton’s era it was acceptable to celebrate a goal by breaking into a run, perhaps with a little jump followed by a half-hearted wave. Don't go too mad, though – it's not very English.
However, we're now in an age of routines so synchronised you suspect the players put more effort into choreography than training. You can just see half a dozen footballers in one of those mirrored rooms with someone in a leotard shouting, “No Djibril! It’s back flip, back flip, pirouette, conga! How hard can it be?!”
Keeping away from the High School Musical wannabes, let’s stick to spontaneity. King of the riposte must be Robbie Fowler, the man who reacted to crowd taunts about his off-field habits by smacking his head – and, on one glorious occasion, mocked Everton fans’ “cokehead” jibe by snorting the white (goal)line. The FA didn’t find it funny and banned him for four games.
Another Liverpool striker reacting to allegations was Craig Bellamy, aka ‘the nutter with the putter’. After allegedly going after team-mate John Arne Riise with a golf club (which Bellamy denied – Legal Ed), he marked a goal at Barcelona with his best golf swing. Fore!
3. Craig Bellamy gets swinging – VIDEOAlso turning a media furore into a demonstration of joy was Paul Gascoigne with his ‘dentist’s chair’ routine. After much tabloid tutting over an exuberant drinking session during a pre-Euro 96 tour of Hong Kong, he celebrated his goal against Scotland with a reconstruction of said events.
4. Gazza gets refreshed – VIDEOThen there’s the enjoyably different Stephen Ireland, who marked a goal for Manchester City against Sunderland by dropping his shorts to reveal his Superman undies. He didn’t get a card, but the FA did say “We will be reminding him of his responsibilities.” To wear clean pants, perhaps?
The trouble with good ideas is that they spawn a thousand tacky imitations, and the ‘baby’ celebration initiated by Bebeto, Romario and Mazinho at USA 94 is now such old hat that Martin O’Neill has forbidden his players from doing it.
“I don't care if they have just had twins, quadruplets, 19 children at the one time – if they go up and do that when they score a goal, I will go ballistic,” said the man who looks like this when celebrating.
At least Carlos Tevez’s homage to his daughter was a bit more original: after netting against Birmingham City last year, he pulled a baby’s dummy from his shorts and stuck it in his mouth.
Enough of pre-planned nonsense. The best celebrations come from the heart, not the brain – think Marco Tardelli in the final of Espana 82 (one of 10 other celebrations we featured in a previous Best of the Web).
When a player scores an important goal you don’t see the fans in the stands forming a human pyramid – they're too busy jumping up and down, screaming and generally going mental. Fans like to see their heroes on the pitch doing the same.
No one epitomised this better than Stuart Pearce exorcising his penalty demons from Italia 90 at Euro 96. After he buried his spot-kick against Spain he roared with a visceral combination of pride, joy, relief, belief and just about every other emotion you can name.
Also prone to an emotional outburst is Jose Mourinho, and as Chelsea boss he liked little more than success against Barcelona. He didn’t let the cost of his designer suit dissuade him from a good old knee-slide. He'll simply never get those grass stains out.
Not all managers are as cool, though. As our final clip, see David Pleat gambolling across the Maine Road turf in his beige suit after Luton had avoided relegation in 1983. He might have pulled it off had he not decided to button up his jacket halfway through. Then again...
